Stop Asking for My Opinions You Will Not like Them

In a continually politically polarized world, we’re all looking to know what someone’s opinions are on Brexit, Operation Condor in South America, and the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Multiple studies have shown that it’s becoming customary to ask “Thoughts on Israel?” before instigating the process of flirting. One Wharton senior, who asked to be referred to only as the “handsome Wharton white boy”, expressed his thoughts: “It’s a little annoying, especially when you’re trying to network, but I’m not interested in attracting girls that think Finland deserves to exist, and I’m really not looking to bring any Lorde-supporters into my start-up business.”

To deal with this toxic environment then, and make flirting go by a bit faster, I’ve decided to come out and respond to all the inquiries at once: no, I am not informed, and yes, my opinions are all wrong.

I remember the day I first raised my hand in lecture and asked my Economics professor, “Well, why don’t we just kill poor people?”, and I remember the dozen instances of me speaking up during my Human Evolution class to say, “Actually, I don’t think this monkey thing is, like, really vibing with me.” I speak over my Engineering friends and tell them I should have gone to MIT even though I can’t count. I walk up to nurses and explain how cancer in the prostate works. I spend my days daydreaming about robbing the American people of affordable healthcare and passing legislature so universities only accept legacy students.  

I’ve dedicated my life to being on the wrong side of history. So don’t you dare ask me for my opinions ever again. Show me all the facts and stats that you want; it will do nothing to change my mind.