OP-ED: If Student-Athletes Are in Such Good Shape, Why Do They Need to Ride Scooters?

I don’t know much about Penn’s athletics, but I do know that student-athletes are not only students but also they’re athletes. This duality means that they do physical exercise on a regular basis in addition to studying. Logically, then, one might assume that student-athletes are in good shape. 

But hold on a sec — what’s that I see? Someone donned head-to-toe in Penn Varsity Athletics gear scootering down Locust. I don’t know about you, but, to me, that seems pretty antithetical to the whole “athlete” thing. Student-athletes can walk, which should be especially easy for them given that they are supposedly in such good shape. They could even get more creative: jog, skip, or whatever. I don’t know — I’m not an athlete. 

I’ve even seen athletes with electric scooters. Are you kidding me? That requires zero exertion. And it’s also bad for the environment, so like, have fun in hell I guess. So much for commitment to the sport.

Athletes will claim that they are just "trying to get to class on time,” which is so hard given their “hectic schedules.” And to that I say, omg nerd! Can you imagine caring that much? That’s so embarrassing. I don’t care about anything, and it’s going super well for me. Sorry, I’m getting off track. My point is, I see you on that Razor A5 DLX scooter, and, yeah, I’m judging you. Who do you think you are? Phoebe fucking Bridgers? You claim to be an athlete, and you can’t even walk the .62 miles to class? Pretty hypocritical, if you ask me.