Studies Show Successful People Begin Their Day by Marking All Email Newsletters as Read

A recent study by the University of Pennsylvania has shown that the most successful people in the world begin their day by opening their email, selecting every newsletter, and marking all as read. This monumental finding has caused major waves throughout academia. While this study can be assumed to have included successful people such as Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, and Eric Tse, we are certain it included mere mortals as well.

“I’m subscribed to 48 email newsletters, and I mark every single one of them as read,” said one Wharton senior, Jared Johnson. “I want every single person behind me in my 9 A.M. to know that no bit of news is worthy of my time. You know what they say,” said Johnson, “time is money, and money is money, and I really love me some money.” 

“I only read the Daily Pennsylvanian Newsletter,” said one anonymous UTB writer. “Do I want to read another article about Amy Wax? Nope. Do I care about DP Sports? Opinion? No thanks, I already have my own. But do you know what’s at the bottom of every DP email newsletter?” The suspense was killing us. What could it possibly be? 

“I read every single DP email Newsletter so that I can see the Under the Button article at the bottom. Under the Button is so very funny, oh how I love it so,” said the writer, reading off a cue card from our editor. “Also,” said the writer in private, “I always hope the article is mine.” Indeed, one can always dream.