60m Sprint World Record Broken by Student Running to Catch Williams Door

Wednesday, October 30th was just like any other average day for Lindsay Stilkins (C’ 22). “I got up, brewed a cup of kombucha before I started my holistic wellness yoga regimen, showered, and headed out for class.” The rest of her day, however, was about to be anything but ordinary.

Over the summer, Penn outfitted Williams Hall with a scanner for Penn cards to reportedly “prevent the dirty outsiders from entering.” Although nothing more than a minor inconvenience in their day, Penn students have been up in arms about the University’s move. Students have also banded together in solidarity to open the doors for others so they don’t have to spend those painful five seconds fumbling around, looking for their IDs.

It did not seem like Lindsay would be spared the trouble of opening the door for herself while on her way to Arabic class. “Yea, it was just like the person before me was way too far to keep the door open for me, which really sucks because I just don’t really open doors ever. It’s, like,  just not something I do. My day was gonna be ten times worse so I just decided to run and catch it.” 

Lindsay’s friends later added, “she can just be a little wild like that sometimes.”

Lindsay reportedly blasted by bewildered onlookers, covering 60 meters in just around five seconds. Not only was she able to successfully grab the door before it closed, but also she also happened to break the outstanding world record for the 60-meter dash: 6.34 seconds.

Astonished students and teachers assembled outside of Wilcaf to commemorate what will surely be a momentous event in world history. Lindsay then proceeded to shake the hands of those around her, stand on a table to rally the crowd, and kiss a few babies. 

Christian Coleman, the previous world record holder, could not be reached for comment.