CAS Student Who Says They're 'Transferring to Wharton' Currently Failing Econ

Another day, another morning of depression for local students at the local University of, local, Pennsylvania. Not unlike most of the College student body (recent reports claim it may even be over 90% of the class of 2023), Frued Thomas (C '23) is adamant that any one of these days he’ll be able to successfully transfer into Wharton. After all, he says that if he doesn’t, his father will “make him suffer for the rest of my life. I have nightmares, you know. Sometimes I wake up at 6 p.m., crippled by sleep paralysis, unable to move. He stands at the corner of my room— my father, I mean. He says: stupid idiot child. All I have given up for you, coming to this country, and how you have forsaken me. Become Elon Musk or never return to our household ever again.”

That said, Thomas, also like many of his classmates, is failing the class. Another CAS student who sits beside him tells reporters, “I’m also, like, frustrated with myself. I really wanted to make it into Wharton, but I think I can just ask my dad for a couple small loans of a million dollars. I should hopefully still be able to make a decent living? Or maybe I’ll just pay my way into Wharton like everyone else.”

“It makes me cry every night,” Thomas later tells reporters. “But I always tell myself one day, one day I will make myself proud, one day my father will look at me lovingly again. I will get into Wharton, and I’ll eliminate anyone who stands in my way."