Oh No: Grandma Wants to Know Why Your Phone Alarm Goes Off at 9 P.M. Every Night

Around the holidays, Grandma has a lot of questions. She wants to know how school is going, if you’ve been eating well, and if you agree that the guy who keeps winning Jeopardy is a “total catch.” And every night when 9 p.m. rolls around, she wants to know why your phone alarm is going off.

You wouldn’t normally balk at the question, but Grandma is from a different era. First, she thought it was a phone call, but as vacation wore on, she observed a daily pattern. She genuinely is concerned about why you have an alarm going off right before bedtime. 

There’s a couple of potential answers to her inquiries. You could definitely lie and say you usually take a power nap at 8:35 p.m. while studying for finals, and you just forgot to turn the alarm off. Or you could tell the truth and try to spread sex-positivity to the older generation. But is that really how you want to spend your winter break? The best option, it seems, is to just say “fuck it” and get an IUD.