BREAKING: To Enter the Kelly Writers House You Must Have Clit Piercing

Entering the Kelly Writers House induces a minefield of anxiety unless you have two visible piercings, are wearing a black turtleneck, have self-published your childhood poetry, or a combination of the three. However, as more students begin taking advantage of Amazon’s ability to self publish and start wearing turtleneck sweaters to combat the cold, it has been difficult for the writer’s house to distinguish who belongs and who doesn’t in the winter months. 

Now, steps have been enacted to determine who gets to drink warm tap water from the KWH kitchen and who doesn’t. A waist-height metal detector has been placed by the doorway at the KWH. If it doesn’t beep, you’re out. If you don’t have a clit to pierce, don’t worry: any genital piercing will get you in, but the clit was chosen specifically to decrease the stigma associated with female genitalia and pleasure that is not typically assigned to scrotum piercings. As long as you have one or more metal objects firmly lodged in the flesh of your groin, you’ll make it inside. 

This is the new phase in making the KWH a safe place for writers. No one who doesn’t look edgy can infringe upon their space. No one can share their mugs. Finally, they have a place on campus that speaks to their needs and the visual requirements that define an individual’s dedication to the craft of literature.