OP-ED: Here’s Why I Need All 64 Outlets At This Airport Gate

Hey, what’s that? Oh, you want to use one of my outlets? Can you not see that my computer is plugged in there?

Oh, you mean that one? The one that clearly has my phone plugged in? Sorry, but I kind of need my phone to be charged.

Oh, not that one either? This one? This one right here? The one that my blender is very obviously plugged into? Is your phone charger really that much more important than my blender? Yes, I know I’m not using the blender right now, but if I wanted to make a smoothie and my blender wasn’t plugged in, can you imagine what kind of predicament I’d be in? I can’t take that kind of risk. It’s like, as long as my blender is plugged in, I probably won’t need to make a smoothie. But the second I unplug this blender, I’m sure I’d get the strongest hankering to have a smoothie and I’d just be shit out of luck wouldn’t I? I’m sure you can understand how it would feel since it’s basically like your situation right now, except a lot worse.

Oh you want to know if I’ll give up any of the outlets I’m occupying? Well gosh, let me think about that. I certainly can’t unplug my space heater or my portable air conditioning, lest my body temperature stray from this equilibrium. I guess I could give up the plug for my massage chair, but it’s just not that comfortable when it’s just sitting in one place. I kind of need my frozen yogurt maker to have frozen yogurt, but maybe I can unplug the ice cream maker? Frozen yogurt is healthier, but sometimes I just feel like it’s half-heartedly pretending to be ice cream. It’s probably safer to just keep both plugged in. I guess there’s my lite-brite, but if I unplugged it then the flower I made would just look stupid. I don’t really feel comfortable unplugging any of my extra batteries - the flight is over an hour long and I just don’t know if I’m gonna need them.

Yeah, I don’t really think I can give any of them up. Sorry.