New Student-Run Diner to Open in Houston This Spring and Close Next Spring

Penn Student Agencies have recently announced that a new student-run diner serving all-day breakfast food, Benny’s, will be opening in Houston Hall next semester, providing students with comfort food and a relaxed atmosphere for studying.

However, the more surprising part of this announcement is the fact that they have already anticipated the diner closing in the following year’s spring semester. Citing probable low student demand for food other than overpriced salads and generic Asian food bowls, PSA anticipates that this business venture will ultimately fail in about a year’s time. 

Attempting to cut through any uncertainty, PSA has factored these considerations into Benny’s business model. When asked about the likelihood of frequenting this establishment, Cecilia Walsh (C '22) told reporters, “I don’t even eat breakfast. My one meal a day is normally just my usual order from Sweetgreen because, like, I don’t really do carbs.” 

In a campus awash with students obsessed with signalling to others that they are healthy and therefore superior, the appetite for breakfast food (a diner staple) simply does not exist. PSA employees have acknowledged this by establishing Benny’s closing date in their business proposal. 

When asked for an alternative proposal, Walsh said the best way to ensure students were being properly nourished with their needed 1,000 daily calories was to provide Sweetgreen subsidies. Walsh describes herself as “a woman of the people.”