BREAKING: Dumpster Fire Breaks Out In My Brain

A dumpster fire broke out in my brain this afternoon and has yet to be extinguished.

Jessie Stein, my roommate, was the first person to witness the fire. According to Stein, the fire happened to start after I received a Canvas notification that my professor was replacing the reading due tomorrow, which took me three hours to read, with a new 76 page reading. Still the exact cause is unknown.

Other possible contributors include Starbucks running out of pumpkin bread and Fresh Grocer running out of double bottles of rosé. Another possibility was the fact that my group project members are incompetent little bitches. Plus the bookstore wouldn’t let me return the textbook for a class I just dropped because “at this point it’s considered renting.”

I found out that West & Down is closing, and even though I’ve been quoted several times saying that having a nightclub on campus is absurd, it felt like just another thing piling onto the impending doom that is my existence. After that my friend at another school got fired from his news organization for practicing free speech. Apparently Penn’s RD applications dropped by nearly 3,000… which doesn’t impact me at all, but was still discouraging. Then I looked through all of Penn Crushes and didn’t find a single post that could be about me. The last straw was when I also found out that there’s a chandelier in Allegro’s – have I just never looked up? What the hell?

It was all just too much. I can’t be sure which thing lit the spark that led to the fire, but I can be sure that the rest of them added kindling to the flames.