My Outstretched, Personable Hand to Begin Accepting Dining Dollars

Incredible. In a statement released last Thursday, I announced that my handsome, outstretched hand would begin accepting dining dollars this coming week.

Students will soon be able to relinquish their hard-earned, Penn-endorsed currency into my beckoning palm as I attempt to scrounge up enough to buy anything other than the five dollar baked ziti this semester.

Just think of all the food that I will be able to enjoy. Margherita pizzas. Premium bento boxes. Whatever they sell at 34th Street Carvery. Your generous donation of dining dollars will make all the difference.

Why limit things to culinary currency, anyways? Cash, credit, whatever — just place it into my glistening, slightly sweaty hand and I will have no choice but to accept. I’ll even throw in a little dance to say thanks. You know, a little ice, ice, baby sort of thing. God, I miss Vanilla Ice.

But that’s besides the point. Picture me, a king, walking into GourGro with some dinner dinero to blow. Shelves overflowing with protein powder, chia seeds, canned olives — the foods of the world would be at my fingertips. Just imagine the giddy look on my face standing in the checkout line. Come on, you know I’m good for it.

Let’s do this together, you and I. All I ask is that you place a couple of your precious pot pie pesos onto my meaty metacarpals.

Meet me outside Stiteler after class today. I will be waiting, hand unfurled.