Patrick's Conversation Tips

Hi, my name is Patrick. I've overheard thousands of conversations and have been included in three or four. If you're not a gifted conversationalist like me, you might be wondering, "how do I do these dang things?" But don't worry pal, I'm here for you. Here are some helpful tips that can get you started:

1. If you’re arguing with someone smarter than you and don’t know how to respond, just say “semantics” and wave your hand dismissively. They won’t know what you mean but they’ll be too scared to call you on it. Now you’ve won the argument!
2. Always respond to conspiracy theories with even crazier conspiracies. If someone informs you that the CIA killed Kennedy, tell them that, actually, Kennedy never existed and we only think he did as a result of a Berenstein Bears-style situation.
3. When you’re not sure what to say, just repeat a funny word you heard. Now instead of politics (snooze!) you’re talking about how weird the word “qualm” is. Qualm. Great!
4. Standing just outside a conversation circle at a party can be awkward. Not sure how to break into that circle? Try breathing on someone’s neck. They’ll give you a “what the fuck” and now you’re in conversation, baby!