Report: 90% of Penn Operating Budget Goes Toward Powering Oscillating Sculpture in LRSM Lobby

A report released last Friday revealed that over 3.2 billion dollars have been allocated to keeping the student body’s most beloved piece of abstract art filled up with juice.

Thanks to a constant stream of funding, students will be able to enjoy yet another year of watching silver ball bearings roll back and forth in the same exact pattern across a grey, water-damaged table.

“In management, every dollar counts,” said Charise Stanton, head of budget planning. “If Penn students aren’t given ample opportunity to ponder their own existence in a postmodern daze, then why am I even here?”

UTB reached out to members of the community for their thoughts on the venerated sculpture.

Maurice Teets (W ‘21) reasoned, “Do I think three billion in upkeep is a tiny bit overkill? Sure. But consider the marginal social benefit of keeping such a thought–provoking piece switched on, day and night, doomed to rock to–and–fro until the sands of time cease to flow. That just about covers it, I’d say.”

“Yeah, yeah — I get it. It’s a meditation on the composition of matter,” observed a man we pulled off the streets. “Look, I’m just trying to find Shake Shack, okay?”

While most have applauded the university’s commitment to supporting the arts, skeptics insist that the money could be better spent on improving the dining halls, accommodating FGLI students, or providing better access to mental health resources.

“Hold on, hold on, so let me get this straight. You guys want us to put more money toward improving student life?” Stanton bellowed between fits of laughter. “What is this — a university?”