OP-ED: I Exclusively Use My Carrel in VP to Film Softcore Porn

Most of the time, the carrels are empty. Occasionally, an exhausted student sits, slumped over books, apparently oblivious to the fact that she has decided to work at a carrel, the academic prison cell, even though other floors of the library have windows, sunlight, and are larger than 2 x 2 ft. 

While she pores over her biology textbook, I get to work. She has no idea that I’m filming clips for the online fanbase I have cultivated, a group of people who live and die for the softcore porn I produce. I’m not always the star, but I do have a face made for television, so if I can’t find someone else, I’m happy to take the role. When I do recruit others, I assure them that it’s nothing serious. At most, a little foot play. It’s tasteful — the human body is a beautiful thing. This carrel is my studio; it is my blank canvas for sensuality. This is the art form that will launch me to stardom.

If you’re reading this and understand the raw sexual energy that pours out of the plasticky wood that makes up Van Pelt’s carrels, then you could be my new ingenue. I host casting calls every Thursday from 7-9 pm on the third floor of VP. Carrel 3037. Do you have what it takes to become a star?