BREAKING: Engineering Students Must Now Learn to “Read” and “Write”

This Thursday, Penn Wellness revealed their third new attempt this month to lower depression statistics among both undergraduate and graduate students. According to reports, the decision that “Penn Engineering students must learn basic literacy” comes after learning that over 90% of the student body couldn’t read the self-help books every incoming freshmen received. Nursing students had similar statistics, but nursing students are supposed to hate themselves, so nothing will be done.

“It’s a hate crime,” said local Engineering student Alicia Lopes. “Being a STEM student chose me like a wand in Harry Potter, and if this administration really cared for human rights like they say that they do, they would overturn this decision.” Over twenty other students crowded around Daily Pennsylvanian reporters. They continued their protest in front of the LOVE statue, even though not many of them could read it.

In a public address, President Amy Gutmann requested protestors be a little more civil as she deployed Penn Police and ordered that they “smash the heads in” of the Engineering students. It's possible an all-out war is breaking out.

“Ironically,” said Lopes, standing amongst the raging fires of battle, “this war, which started because I didn’t want to learn to read, has taught me more letters and words than I’d ever known before.” When asked for more, she said, “I finally know how to write some short sentences, and talking is a bit easier.” Looking directly at the reporter, she provided an example: “Death to Penn, and death to the state.”