Campus Laundry Service Now Provides an Ass-wiping Subscription Package

FirstServices is rolling out a new service this semester. This student-run company usually focuses on “Making Penn Life Easy” by washing the nicotine out of Canada Geese and provoding the rich and incompetent with a laundry and dry cleaning service.

In an effort to shelter Penn students even further, FirstService will now help wipe the literal asses of students who can afford their service. Students have the option of purchasing the “One Semester Essential Suite” for $800 which comes with a laundry, dry-cleaning, and water package. Adding the “Essential Ass-wiping Service” will only require an additional $600 from the trust fund each semester.

We’ve spoken to some of the work-study employees who recently underwent training for this new ass-wiping service. “FirstServices has definitely asked me to do gross things for minimum wage in the past, but never this," reported College sophomore Kevin Temple. "Despite still only receiving $7.20 an hour, I am super grateful that I have gotten to network with the asses of some of the most elite members of my class.”

FirstServices is still accepting applications.