Frat Brothers Throw Epic Epidemic-Themed Downtown

Friday night was host to the most spectacular philanthropic event hosted by a Penn fraternity. Located in a sketchy club downtown, the “Pandemic Pandemonium” masked party welcomed in hundreds of Penn students who were generous enough to donate their limited time and money to support those affected by the recent outbreak of Coronavirus around the world. Surgical masks were donned and chilled bottles of Corona were shared as everyone moshed to “Sicko Mode” and discoed to “Stayin’ Alive”. 

The highlight of the evening were various “vaccination booths” where partiers waited in line to receive their “shots,” a mysterious concoction of booze strong enough to completely destroy any disease living inside of you, as well as your liver. The night left many students feeling incredibly disoriented and exhausted, but everyone was more than happy to have done their part in stopping such a global catastrophe. 

When asked how the money raised would be used to help those in need, Tom Stafford, a College sophomore and stumbling fraternity member, was happy to answer. “Well you see, we’re in desperate need. We haven’t made money on an event since our ‘Listeria Hysteria’ rager. We heard about this whole Corona thing and just couldn’t pass on the chance to raise some money, uh, awareness for the cause.” And with that, he went off to receive his eighth vaccine of the night.