OP-ED: The Penn Community Has an Obligation to Steal Everything from Fro Gro Before It Closes

Famed emporium of luxurious provisions Fresh Grocer has recently announced that it will permanently be closing its doors. Here’s why the Penn community has an obligation to steal as much as possible before that happens:

Everyone who has gone to Fro Gro knows that it is more difficult to pay for items than it is to steal them. In this vein, paying for items is both an excessive display of wealth and a gratuitous means of holding up the self-checkout line. 

Mykayla Castro, a Junior in nursing, is Penn’s most vocal advocate of stealing from Fresh Grocer: “One time, I took an entire suckling pig and a mattress and just walked out the door.  I don’t think anyone even cared that I was stealing, because I walked past a security guard and she said, ‘Have a good night, ma’am.’”

“Powerful corporations that overcharge for fresh produce and other healthy foods are a major problem in American cities,” said Castro. “Stealing from these corporations is not only acceptable for every student to do — it is a necessary habit of anyone engaged in class warfare, and inaction should not be tolerated.”

It is rumored that Fresh Grocer will be burning whatever items are not sold before the location forecloses. So, grab a tote bag and go to town — it’s what’s right for the planet, for Philadelphia, and for us.