Uh-oh! Freshman Leaves Gourmet Grocer With Condoms and Peaches

On the night of Valentine’s Day, Wharton freshman Elio Pearlmin was spotted leaving the Gourmet Grocer with a condom and a bag of peaches.

“I know Student Health Services has free condoms,” said Pealrmin. “But it’s too far, and they don’t have peaches. And they are probably out of condoms this time of year anyway.”

While most students were purchasing condoms, flowers, and pink cards, Pearlmin stood in the checkout line with just condoms and peaches.

“Wow, your Valentine must really like peaches,” commented a student standing in line behind Pearlmin. Pearlmin turned around and smiled nervously. 

By some miracle, the peaches were not moldy, unlike most other fruits in the dilapidated produce section. 

“I’ve already spent all my Dining Dollars on things from the Gourmet Grocer,” said Pearlmin. “I’ve bought one condom, two peaches, and a tissue box. Now I have no more Dining Dollars.” 

Kilgore Trowt, Pearlmin’s roommate, has noted his roommate’s obsession with fruit. “Elio really likes fruit,” said Trowt. “He always has a bowl of fruit on his desk, especially peaches, and they just disappear over the days until he restocks them. But there was this one time when I saw a whole peach on the table, but the pit was removed through a hole from the top. So I ate it.”