BREAKING: Fro Gro Closure Actually an Elaborate Heist to Promote New Trader Joe's Shuttle

A national tragedy has occurred: news has recently come out that Fresh Grocer will be forced to close by none other than Penn’s own Undergraduate Assembly. Why, you ask? It’s simple.

We understand that the UA claims it is responsible for “improving life for all students through funding, services, and advocacy,” when in reality, it organizes doughnut get-togethers and s'mores-making events a couple of times a year. However, the UA’s institution of a weekly shuttle to Trader Joe’s earlier this year was the UA’s first (and only) attempt to prove that it is, in fact, trying to be a serious organization dedicated to supporting the student body.

However, the shuttle idea fell flat, and on the first day of the program, shocked UA members watched an empty bus shuttle between Trader Joe’s and the Penn campus for the allotted 3-hour shuttle run. On that fateful day, the UA realized that no one would go to Trader Joe’s when they could go to the undoubtedly sketchier but much-more-convenient Fresh Grocer instead.

Desperate for their only new program since 1987 to succeed, the UA had to take action. “If we don’t close Fresh Grocer, we will have to close the Trader Joe’s shuttle and everyone will think the UA is a joke!” UA President, Natasha Menon, commented, obviously scanning the crowd to see if the UA was already a joke. 

Despite the UA’s understandably limited options and somewhat sound reasoning, disgruntled students feel betrayed by the sudden closure. Nevertheless, we can all rest well with the knowledge that although Fro Gro will be gone, at least we will have a sick ride to Trader Joe’s.