Letting Go of Your Forced Roommate Friendship Now that You Have Real Friends: A Freshman's Guide
Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian
February 9, 2020 at 11:41 am
Your domicile dude got you through NSO and kept your cold little heart beating for the beginning of winter, but you finally got initiated into the one club you got into last semester, and you finally have some real friends to call your own. Here are some tips for scraping off the roommate barnacle cramping your style now that you're done pretending you have anything in common.
1) Tell the RA he's growing marijuana with a UV light under his bed:
This strategy works best if your roommate has been diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and already has a therapeutic lamp. With any luck, he will be kicked out of student housing (and maybe even the school!) and you won't be forced to bring him around with you every time you want to go to the gym by yourself.
2) Start following him everywhere:
Bathroom time? Crying time? Calling grandma because you can't make it home before her major surgery time? Friendship time! Turn the tables on your roommate, and he'll soon see how annoying it is when he offers to "walk with you to the reading room. We don't have to talk, I'm just on my way to do work too."
3) Join a fraternity:
Sometimes the rumors don't lie: pledging sucks! There's almost no chance he'll follow you into a dark basement just to eat a live frog that's been fed 3 doses of LSD. If he does, he'll be your brother, not your roommate, so problem still solved.
4) Find him a girlfriend who lives in a single:
If you can hack this one despite his mediocre personality and 4/10 looks, he'll never be home, and you'll be home free! With any luck, he'll be moved out within two weeks. If it takes any longer, UTB suggests going to the LGBT center and soliciting a local lesbian for advice on how to move things along. Now, even if he still wants to go to parties with you and your real friends because he's never home and he "miss[es] you so much, bro," he'll bring along his girlfriend, so your ratio won't be disturbed.