Life Hack! Go Trick or Treating Now!

Look, we all know how Halloween normally goes. You get into a shitty costume and show up at a few houses only to find that they only have apples and spinach left to give you. It doesn’t matter how early you go out, those rowdy preteens from down the block always beat you there. Well guess what: this year is your year. Get the jump on Halloween by going trick or treating now.

That’s right, those pre-teen fucks will never see it coming. Suit up in a fun Spiderman onesie or a spooky ghoul outfit and go knock on doors demanding candy in the middle of February. Just wait till you see the look on people's faces when they open that door; they won’t believe their eyes when they see such a proactive and impressive Halloweener like yourself at their home. Look them dead in the eyes, collect your candy, and leave nothing for those shithead pre-teens.

I mean, who do these kids think they are anyway? Oh wow, I’m so impressed that you made a viral Tik Tok during algebra class — get fucked. You know what I did during algebra? Learn algebra. And just because their lame leader, Dean Hussey, got the lead part of Sweeney Todd in the school play this year doesn’t mean they are better than you. Sure, you auditioned for that same part when your middle school did that show and you ended up getting cast as an off-stage ensemble member, but you took that experience and learned from it. What adversity has Dean Hussey had to face? I bet nothing. I bet his parents spoon-feed him attention and kids in school don’t even call him little shrimp face (you had a really shriveled face when you were a kid).

Fuck Dean Hussey. Take his candy.