Sorry Professor! Nancy Pelosi Tore up My Homework

Dear Professor,

I know this is my fifth late essay of the semester, but I wanted to explain myself. I want to come clean about why it was late this week. No more excuses, no more stories, just the plain truth. You see, Professor, my homework was late because….Nancy Pelosi ripped it up. I know it sounds unbelievable, but it's the truth! There’s photos of her ripping it up and everything!

I don’t know how she got the essay, but she did Professor. If you don’t believe me check Fox News. They have been playing the scene on repeat — tearing up my beautiful, well-sourced, well-organized essay. I read her lips, Professor. She said, "this essay is too good for History 211," as she ripped it in half and then fourths and then into measly shreds of paper.

I know you may think I'm full of excuses. My last essay was quarantined in Wuhan, it's true. My essay before that was reduced to rubble in Aleppo earlier this year. Please, understand that these countless misfortunes are all truthful. Thank you for your consideration, Professor.

Best Regards,

Student