Paramount Pictures to Remake Sonic Again — This Time Sexier

Paramount Pictures' Sonic the Hedgehog struggled its opening week in the box office. The lackluster numbers were especially disappointing, as Paramount spent 40 million dollars redesigning the character last summer after an internet outcry. Paramount has responded to the films flopping by announcing another redesign. This time, Sonic is going to be “sexier.”

Although the exact redesign hasn’t been announced, fan theories suggest that Sonic will have a defined chin, six-pack abs, and a large, furry penis. “It’s about time they restore the genitalia of animated animals,” one fan wrote on R/furries_are_people_too. “There has been an erasure of animal nudity — first with Disney movies like the Lion King and the Jungle Book and now with Cats. I’m just glad Hollywood is starting to fight back with films like Shape of Water and TV shows like Bojack Horseman. I’m happy Paramount is joining the fight.”

Paramount went on to announce that the international release of the film will include a more human-like design. “We at Paramount Pictures just hope to make a film that anyone in the family can enjoy. Five years ago we would have just had a sexy Eggman, but we want this film to be as inclusive as possible. So we are happy to announce sexy Sonic the Hedgehog debut on the big screen.” 

Paramount Pictures refused to comment on whether a sequel was in the works.