BREAKING: Penn Finally Brings Down the IAA, the Only Group on Campus That Does Hazing of Any Kind

Finally Penn has done something right! For years, student groups hazing their new members has been a scourge on this campus, ruining lives and organizations that were totally fine in every way otherwise. In the past, Penn has made many attempts to reel in this rampant issue but to no avail. Now, the Gutmann administration has finally solved this problem. 

News broke this week that Penn suspended the IAA (like model UN I think?) from campus for a year following investigations into their drinking and pledging-like activities. This well-guided, pointed action can be interpreted in no way other than a great success. As is common knowledge, the IAA is of course the only group on campus that does any hazing or pledging-like activities of any sort, and by suspending them Penn was able to root out the sole source of this problem.

The evil, tormented individuals leading the IAA forced their freshmen to degrade themselves through events like, “optional beer pong,” and “get to know the members night,” and despicable “ice breaker activities.” These shocking realizations have the campus abuzz. “Yea I’m just glad that Penn was able to shut these guys down. With them gone there’s totally no hazing left on campus at all we promise,” said a very disheveled, foul-smelling freshmen with a half-shaved head swearing he was a new, but full, member of Sigma Pi Delta. 

Finally, freshmen at this school will be safe to go about their lives — joining clubs, communities, and Greek organizations where they are accepted immediately with nothing but kindness, welcoming smiles, and definitely not any sticks of butter.