Soy Boy Alert! Soy Milk Revealed to Be a Factor in Debilitating Homosexuality Epidemic

Over the past five years, the use of non-dairy alternatives has exploded within mainstream culture, being put to use in cooking and as an additive to one’s coffee. However, many have begun to sound an alarm on an incredibly pressing crisis that may be taking shape as a result of this trend. As more people flock to these undeniably less masculine alternatives, fears are growing that the spread of homosexuality, a blight on the health of the nation, may be impossible to contain. 

As Daryl Jones puts it, a long-time barista at a local coffee shop and avid opponent of homosexuality, “quite literally every individual walking through our doors spends at least two minutes talking about how ‘they can’t do real milk anymore.’ It’s like, seriously? Man up and drink some milk, dude.” While Jones says he would like to stop offering soy milk, the decision ultimately lies with the owner. “These greedy corporate fat-cat types just can’t imagine putting the good of the people ahead of their bottom line.” 

Although scientists are unclear about the exact causal relationship that exists between the two, the data does seem to suggest that there is a clear connection between the consumption of soy milk and the adoption of “homosexual tendencies”: narcissism, an inability to process through childhood trauma, and of course, engaging in sexual intercourse with other men (ew!).