Student Beats Dozens of Applicants for Opportunity to Make Penn More Money

Under the Button would like to extend a warm congratulations to College freshman Griselda Lockwood, who, after submitting a stellar application and impressing interviewers at multiple rounds, has earned the role of performing free labor for the University of Pennsylvania. 

As a member of Kite and Key, Lockwood will be giving campus tours to prospective students — in other words, doing work that is essential to Penn’s ability to attract quality applicants — for the impressive salary of zero dollars per year.

“I’m just so excited to be a member of this club,” Lockwood said. “And it is a club, and not just a group of indentured servants working for the same master, because sometimes we have social events.” 

Dean of Admissions Eric “Dean” Furda said he appreciates the work of Lockwood and her fellow Kite and Key members. “They really do give great tours. And we somehow convinced all of them that they should do it for free. Who the hell knows how we pulled that one off, but it’s saved the admissions department a ton of money, which I use to buy incredibly nice Eagles and Sixers tickets.”