A Definitive Ranking of Toilet Water Across Penn’s Campus

Students at Penn all know that Philadelphia’s tap water is contaminated and completely undrinkable. They also know that in order to fit in, they have to carry around a huge water bottle to dramatically sip from in class to quietly boast about their hydration, and then leave class six times to aggressively urinate.

So, after surveying students and contacting the Philadelphia Department of Public Health, UTB has determined a way to streamline this process: start drinking toilet water. Everything comes full circle. Here are the top three toilets to sip from across campus.

1. Fisher Bennett Hall, 2nd Floor 

The fount of literary knowledge flows from the water filtering through the Fisher Bennett plumbing system. Drink where brilliant minds, who have shaped generations of literary criticism, have emptied their bowels. You’ll feel smarter after the first sip.

2. DRL: Any 

This may seem like an unconventional choice, but DRL has a host of toilets to choose from, and it is the epicenter of math and astronomy on campus. Do you want to see the stars? Then consider drinking where your Astronomy 001 professor occasionally urinates. 

3. My toilet, my apartment, 2nd Floor

The toilet in my apartment is my favorite place to hydrate and fuel up for the day. I know that only my bodily excrement has been floating around in the bowl, and it’s sort of like eating my placenta. The health benefits are almost instant. This cured my narcolepsy.