University of Pennsylvania to Suspend University of Pennsylvania Following Hazing Concerns

It’s no surprise that the famed Ivy League University of Pennsylvania participates in hazing. Last year, in fact, they only accepted around 7 percent of applicants after an absolutely horrific challenge that included writing essays, studying for standardized tests, and transforming your identity as a person into a simplified commodity that you can market to a school whose progressive stances are merely for performance purposes and who primarily educates and exists to serve the same class of people who they teach you are oppressive. Anyway...

Many students on campus actually have fond memories of their hazing experience. “I remember when Penn contacted me in the middle of my senior year and said I had to hand over my tax information or die,” reminisced one Engineering student. “It was a hassle, and I was scared they were gonna send the IRS after me, but so far so good, yeah?” Another student, this one in the College, said the following about her experiences: “Don’t get me wrong—at the time I was totally against it, but Harvard was asking me to invade a foreign country in the Global South. In comparison, Penn asking for a 36 on the ACT was totally cool.”

Regardless, the university has announced that this behavior goes against their core values, which include not permanently damaging their students’ mental, emotional, and physical well-being. President Amy Gutmann made it clear in an address Thursday night: “We have heard your complaints and have seen the error of our ways. To change things for the better, the administration has decided that it would be best if we suspended the University of Pennsylvania. Continuing like this is completely unacceptable.”

When asked by a reporter if, instead, the university could simply just stop hazing its students, the president replied, “No.”