BREAKING: New UTB Writer, Alicia Lopez, Not Actually Funny

It’s official: the new UTB writer, Alicia Lopez (C ’23) is in fact not funny. Hysterical UTB writer and Lopez’s suitemate, Pamela de la Cruz (C ’23), confirmed our findings saying, “Alicia? Yeah, she’s one of those people who think they’re like, so funny, but really isn’t.” De la Cruz also expressed disappointment in Lopez’s choice to join the UTB staff claiming “She’s just doing it because she thinks people will feel obligated to laugh at her attempts at humor if they know she’s in UTB. If anything, it's bullying; she’s doing it to peer pressure others.”

Citing dreams of joining the SNL writing staff after graduation, Lopez, who has recently started wearing UTB stickers as a fashion accessory, is clearly in over her head. “I could really see myself being the next Colin Jost,” Lopez began, staring off into the distance and forcing all in earshot to stifle their laughter. 

When asked to comment on the decision to hire Lopez, UTB editor-in-chief, James Morrison (C ’22), asked “Who?" After showing him a photo and giving him five minutes to squint at it, his eyes got wide and he rushed out of the room muttering something about how he “sent the wrong email.” 

It seems like UTB made some crazy hiring decisions this round, and we as a general Penn readership can only hope that the organization takes this important job more seriously in the future. But in the meantime, we at UTB sincerely apologize for the content of the new staff writer, Alicia Lopez. This error will not happen again.