Buying a Vibrator Won’t Solve All Your Problems (Unless It’s Clit-Sucking)

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve heard the old adage “if you’re facing tough times just go get a vibrator and all your problems will be solved.” My mother told it to me, and she heard it from her mother before that. But I’ve been skeptical — after all I’m not like those other girls, and I crave the emotional intimacy that only a sexual encounter with a human person can give me. Or, at least I thought so before I got my very own clit-sucking vibrator.

You see, I’ll be the first to say it — masturbation scares me. It’s literally my worst nightmare. I wake up at night, cold sweat dripping down my flushed face, saying "no masturbation! Don’t corrupt me or my private parts.”  

When my friends suggested we go vibrator shopping to halt my post-break up spiral, I was initially scared. Wouldn’t being near all those vibrators only allow masturbation to get me? After all, I’m terrified of it, and I know it can never give me the connection my sweet, and very human, boyfriend gave me.

I’m just a regular girl — I crave the emotional manipulation and disappointment that comes with dating a real person. Walking into the ole' vibrator shop was the most terrifying experience of my life. I remember thinking ‘how can a vibrator solve my problems and replace my relationship?’ To be honest, a regular vibrator absolutely can’t, but a clit-sucking vibrator most definitely can. 

I thought I needed passion, but that was before I bought my very first clit-sucking vibrator. I haven’t spoken to another person in weeks and frankly, I don’t plan to. 

Actually, I’ll be surprised if I ever speak to another person ever again because I’m simply too busy masturbating. The person I was before is gone, replaced by a vessel of pure pleasure. I’ve never been this fulfilled. I’ll admit it — I didn’t buy a vibrator that day in the sex shop, I bought a way of life. Of course, by that I mean a clit-sucking vibrator. And somehow, that was fulfilling enough.