OP-ED: Anyone Feel Like Ransacking Arch Tonight?

I’m getting a little bored of Wawa. My room is already stocked full of Takis, pastries, and Lunchables that I’ve stolen from various Wawa locations all throughout Philadelphia, but it’s getting old. It’s 1. too easy and 2. not a good look given my respect for the working class, especially Wawa workers. To remedy this, I’ve come up with a solution, but I’m going to need the help of a couple dozen readers.

Tonight. The Arch Building. 7pm. We take absolutely everything.

You see — I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and measuring the feasibility of organizing Penn students to do what needs to be done. Initially, I was just going to ask Wharton students because of their role in stealing the wealth of the proletariat, but then I realized every single person here kinda sucks as a person and would love to commit some crimes. Even the more moral people should have no problem, given that the Arch “cafe” is run by some punk-ass robot thing. I don’t doubt half the student body has robbed from the place before. But this’ll be better. 

This time we’ll be sending a message. I’m not sure about what, but I have a few hours to come up with one. Maybe we’ll convince Amy Gutmann to pay the workers a minimum wage or something, I dunno. Regardless, we’ll be taking a stand against tyranny.

And yes, I know radical direct action can be scary, but stay hopeful. Remember: they might be able to stop me, or you, but they can’t stop us all.