CVS on 40th to Rebrand As 'Ye Olde Apothecarie Shoppe'

Following nationwide efforts to appeal to people who wear clogs, the local CVS/pharmacy on 40th and Walnut Street has rebranded as 'Ye Olde Apothecarie Shoppe.' In addition to the name change on the facade, the pharmacy/drug store/safe space will stock the shelves with products that reflect the company’s commitment to its new identity.

Students and local West Philadelphians may be surprised to find that CVS (henceforth to be referred to as “the Shoppe”) will not supply toothpaste. Instead, available for purchase in the tooth ailments aisle will be a mortar and pestle and various herbs, all harvested within three blocks of the Shoppe.

In addition, customers looking to find medicinal remedies should look no further than the Spiritual Centre, located in the rear of the Shoppe, in place of the now-defunct pharmacy. The Centre's practitioners operate according to the time-honoured theories of the humours and work to establish balance between yellow bile, black bile, phlegm, and blood within the body in order to ensure maximum health benefits.

The Centre also employs a part-time priest to eradicate the body of sickness via divine intervention. Sin is, after all, the source of all physical ailment — definitely not the fact that two nights ago you shared a marg with Angela, who never doesn’t have mono. Additionally, a mysterious cat named Yellowfang will roam the aisles and offer cryptic advice that will leave you feeling vaguely disturbed but ultimately will guide you on your journey to enlightenment.

Endorsed by Marianne Williamson and others who believe that “Goop doesn’t go far enough,” Ye Olde Apothecarie Shoppe will officially reopen under new management at next full moon. Per medical guidelines, Scorpios will not be allowed on the premises.