OP-ED: Fresh Grocer Did Nothing Wrong

Have you considered that maybe you’re the one with the problem? 

Fresh Grocer has always been for the BOYS. It’s gritty, it’s scary, it’s a health hazard, but you see, that’s the point. It weeds out the weak in the community. It’s like hazing, even, but it’s supposed to be. When you decided to come to this school, you knew you were going to be challenged. What? Did you think the challenges were going to be academic and social? Dumbass. Here at the University of Pennsylvania, we’re all about food poisoning alongside your emotional distress. 

Anyway. Fresh Grocer personally made me into a stronger person. My muscles are huge now. My tiddies? Phat. My meat? Thick. You think I was a Chad before coming here? Bro, I wouldn’t have even gotten into this school if I hadn’t been a virgin nerd in the first place, but that’s changed. The day I first bit straight into the meaty, sticky moss of a chicken tender on the floor of the bread aisle is when my third eye opened. I became a new self. I became the me I was meant to be.

Bro, where the fuck am I gonna get my hot chips now that Fresh Grocer is closing? Fuck this. Fuck you guys. Some of us know how to handle some minor stomach bleeding. Fresh Grocer really didn’t do anything wrong.

If I see any of you guys on the shuttle to Trader Joe’s I’m gonna obliterate every single one of you and render your bloodlines extinct.