No Hand Sanitizer, No Problem: Dave Just Stocked up on Dove for Men 3 in 1

Despite his family’s pleas for Dave McMenamin (C ‘20) to come home to a house stocked with plenty of food, medicine, and disinfectant, Dave has insisted he stay with his brothers from Phi Kappa Delta.

After all, he just went on a trip to Milan with his old friends from his freshman hall and he really needed some quarantine time alone with Big Willie, Porky, Sleazy Pete, and Mark (those are their pledge names — you wouldn’t get it).

After repeated frantic calls from his worried mother, telling Dave to take this more seriously and stock up on food and hand sanitizer, the Phi Kapp senior finally took a trip to CVS. Dozens of other locals were there, stuffing their carts with canned food, soap, and medicine. Still sitting on the shelf though were three bottles of Dove for Men 3 in 1 Extra Fresh shampoo.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Dave later reported from quarantine. “How could so many shoppers be wasting their money buying hand soap, shampoo, and hand sanitizer, when you could just buy a bottle of 3 in 1 for half the price?”

To be extra precautious, Dave is leaving one bottle by the door, so visitors can sanitize upon entry, another bottle by the kitchen sink to disinfect the boys’ dishes, and a final one on the pong table to squirt into the water cup the frat has used for the past 18 months.