Penn Closes in Solidarity With Fro Gro

First, Fro Gro closes its sacred doors, and now Penn is closing due to the “coronavirus?” Sure, Jan. There’s no way we’re believing that nonsense. It’s clear what actually happened: knowing there was no way to go on without its favorite grocery store, Penn decided to take matters into its own hands, even if it meant closing the campus. 

We here at UTB take our jobs seriously, and in times like these, we know the public is relying on our top-notch reporting. We got in on the scoop and conducted some interviews. Generally, students were distraught upon hearing news of Penn’s closure, but one bold freshman, Pamela de la Cruz (C ’23), spoke out in favor of the school closing. “It’s a symbol of respect,” she began, wiping a tear from her eye. “Penn and Fro Gro. After going through so much together, one couldn’t live without the other. They were enemies, but they needed each other, you know?” she continued, staring off into the sun. 

Another freshman, Angela Han (W ’23), was irritated upon hearing the news. After I carefully explained the real reason Penn closed (in solidarity with Fro Gro), Han surprisingly did not admit that I was right, nor did she applaud the University’s diligence. Rather, she commented, “F@!* you! Get this out of my face! You’re not even a real reporter! This sucks!” As I picked myself up off the ground (where I had been pushed by an angry Angela), I continued my quest for good journalism and sought out Penn’s reigning monarch, Amy Gutmann.

When asked to comment, Amy Gutmann replied, “It’s true. While the coronavirus was a well-timed cover-up, the real reason we closed was that as an institution of higher learning, not being able to offer Fro Gro quality goods to our student body would go against our school mission.” I don’t know about you, but I am glad that I go to — I mean went to — well, take online classes from a school that is so dedicated to its values.