Penn Med Study Finds U.S. Only 5 Hours Behind Italy

As we all already know, COVID-19 is traveling quickly from country to country. We know from the examples of various countries throughout the world that, if governments fail to act quickly, the virus will spread and their people will suffer. 

It has been said that the United States is about 50 days behind China, and as few as ten days behind Italy. This is why the University of Pennsylvania Medical School decided to pursue the question: just how far behind other countries is the United States? 

A short summary report of the University's findings, released early Friday morning, stated, "Oh fuck! Oh shit! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!" Upon a more detailed reading of the research, one thing becomes apparent. The United States is as few as five hours behind Italy, and even fewer hours behind other countries.

"Our sources don't lie," explained one Penn Med researcher, Alan Gremire, who conducted phone interviews with only the finest team of medical professionals across the globe. Dr. Gremire explained the complex methodology as follows. "I called my friend in Italy and said, 'Friend. Check your watch.' He said 'Okay.' I told him, 'Friend, what time is it?' He said 'It's 3 a.m., please stop calling me.' And I knew right then that we were just five hours behind in the United States of America. This is big."

The overall numbers of the study are clear as day, with very little marginal error. The east coast of the United States is the closest behind Italy, at five hours. The west coast is a little farther behind, but not by much. Sources say they are perhaps only two or three hours behind the east.

Charts from the study show that, indeed, the United States is undeniably 5 hours behind Italy at any given time of day. Backlash has arisen from deniers who point out that the United States has been behind Italy by 5 hours for at least the past 100 years. Only time will tell if this year will be different.