OP-ED: Petition to Remove All Traffic Safety Signs in Front of DRL

Look people, math is a lot. The tests are hard, the TAs aren’t hot, and the department is homophobic. Math should have no place on this campus, except that sadly, it does. And that place is named David Rittenhouse Laboratory: the crustiest building just west of the Schuylkill.

And in between us and our mathematical misery lies an inordinate number of well maintained roads, separating DRL from the rest of human civilization. I speak for every Penn student when I say that the probability of getting hit by a car while walking across any of these roads is too damn low. Although I cross approximately 20 crosswalks on the ten mile walk to math lecture or recitation, I have yet to be even be TAPPED by any of the vehicles that zoom past. 

So what is our solution? How do we meet the sweet bumper-to-face fate that we crave? A petition.

A petition to abolish all crosswalks, stop signs, and traffic management devices on the walk to DRL. Release the SEPTAs, Teslas and ambulances from their city-enforced captivity. Let them roam free (and fast).

If you’re still on the fence about joining our pro-death cause, consider this: you’re not going to do well on your midterm and your TA still will not learn your name by the fifth week of classes anyway. 

Please act now. We are hoping to organize enough support against the merciless traffic devices as soon as possible. We want to give Fresh Grocer trucks a fighting chance to take us out of our misery as their final positive impact on University City. Click this link to view our petition.