SEPTA to Start Cracking Down on Trolley Drivers Who Aren’t Blackout Drunk

SEPTA is finally cracking down on trolley drivers who show up to work without drinking in excess. The decision comes after decades of legal battles over the rights of trolley drivers who don’t binge drink. In recent court battles, the tide has shifted against this minority of non-drinking trolley operators.

Lindsay Lohan, chairwoman of SEPTA, told Under the Button about the years of high-level thinking that went into this decision: “The SEPTA trolley system is designed to accommodate blackout drunk trolley drivers, and our research team has yet to come up with track designs that cater to a more sober drivership. Our riders expect their trolley rides to be violent, unpredictable, and uncontrollable. They pay to feel at risk of derailment. We don’t want our drivers to stop when passengers pull the stop cord, slow down before going around turns, or stop when they see passengers waiting on the platform. That sort of behavior is exactly what we’re cracking down on.”

This decision has been met with universal acclaim. Lauders have cited the rich history of SEPTA as a cornerstone of the Mid-Atlantic drinking culture.  According to many, the SEPTA trolley system has always proven the abilities of blackout drunk people to function — more, to thrive — as fully employed members of society.

Penn students are excited to have their trips to City Hall and Trader Joe’s more reliably uncomfortable. Students who expect to be thrown the entire length of the trolley, sending their organic eggs and frozen gnocchi flying, will no longer be disappointed when this doesn’t happen.