“SEPTA is Not Bad,” Says Student Who Can't Leave Philly

It has just been discovered that the frequently used, dirty, dilapidated, unreliable and possibly dangerous public transportation system known as SEPTA is actually “not that bad.” This information has come from numerous reports done on the strong opinion of local Penn student Mark Schurr (W ‘23). According to the reports, the subway system is actually “quite comfortable when you make sure to avoid the vomit piles and hold on for dear life to the closest railing.”

“Fun games” he likes to play with friends while waiting for the subway are betting on how late it will be or watching the rats race on at the bottom of the platform. Schurr recommends plugging your nose before entering the subway or trolley car to truly enhance the commute beyond the already wonderful experience it always provides. 

When asked how the fuck he could believe the garbage that he is spewing, Schurr responded, “Having grown up in Philly my whole life, I am certain that they have already achieved the pinnacle of public transportation with this trolley and subway system. There is no other way I’d ever want to get to Center City. I don’t understand people who Uber in Philly when they can literally have an objectively more exciting experience on SEPTA. The gross and dangerous hardship we endure taking SEPTA makes us stronger and it's part of the rustic charm of the entire thing.”

He was asked to compare SEPTA to the public transportations in other cities like Washington D.C., as well as London. While he could not claim to have ever even left the Philadelphia area nor will he be allowed to for quite some time, Schurr refused to believe anything could top his weekly commutes.

“I don’t need to try these other public transportation systems when I know I’m only going to be disappointed comparing it back to SEPTA.” It should also be noted that Schurr claimed Philly is “basically like New York but better, so there’s no need to go anywhere else”.