Wharton Behavioral Lab Finds Penn Students Will Do “Literally Anything” for $5

In a surprise announcement, researchers at the Wharton Behavioral Lab have revealed that the experiments conducted over the years involving student volunteers have all been part of one massive investigation to understand the limits of what students will do for money. Perhaps less shocking were the findings: there’s no limit to what Penn students will do for a few quick bucks. 

“Over the past few months, we’ve really ramped up the tasks we’ve asked students to perform, in hopes of really understanding how students evaluate a task and its reward. Our results, quite honestly, were shocking and very concerning. For one study, we needed a baseline question where all participants would respond “No”. After trying many ridiculous questions, we finally asked students to strip for $10,” explained researcher, Dr. Patricia Matherson. 

“And yet over 85% of participants agreed to the activity and were eager to unclothe themselves! One student was so insistent on earning their $10, they began stripping off their clothes before they even finished the initial paperwork.” 

When asked about his enthusiasm, the student in question, Michael Lewins (W ‘22), responded, “With tuition as crazy high as it is, I’m surprised more people aren’t signing up for these labs. I’d do a lot of stuff for $10. Like I mean, while I do value my dignity, my valuation of it is only $6 — on a good day.”

In a separate study, it was found that when offered $5 and a king-sized Hershey’s Bar, an overwhelming majority of students were willing to be experimental subjects for an alleged horse tranquilizer being tested for the veterinary school. “We have concluded that students are willing to fully strip, as well as test horse tranquilizer on themselves for less than $10. No students were actually harmed in any study,” reported one researcher in a recent publication. “But any faith I had in the younger generation has been brutally destroyed.”