Black Hole Discovered on Penn Campus: Student Financial Services

After years of painstaking work and toil, researchers at Penn have discovered a black hole right on the Penn campus.

“20 years ago, I noticed something odd,” said researcher Felix Hoenikker. “Even though Penn was one of the most well-to-do schools in the world, money was getting sucked from things that shouldn’t be sucked. So I decided to investigate”

Hoenikker was shocked to discover that money was getting sucked away from things like the David Rittenhouse Laboratory remodeling, Penn security workers, and Penn Dining workers. 

“Over the past 20 years, we have observed that money goes into Student Financial Services and nothing comes out,” said Hoenikker. In his paper, he explains how over the years, the black hole has obtained so much mass that it’s gravitational pull is stronger than ever. This explains Penn’s rising tuition. 

“It’s a groundbreaking discovery, and I hope this discovery is a gateway to a better understanding of our universe.”