Breaking: C.D.C. Recommends Limiting Polygamous Group Sex Sessions to Five People

Unless you’ve been living under a f*****g rock, you’re probably aware that a once-in-a-century pandemic is unfolding in front of our very eyes. That’s right folks, run to your nearest Costco and stock up on enough toilet paper for the next three years of your life to satisfy your weird anal neuroticism. However, the ways in which this unforeseen catastrophe is affecting the lives of people across the globe are numerous and, quite frankly, sort of weird. 

Polygamy, the hottest new trend among the twenty-somethings that populate Bushwick’s dive bars, has been an unexpected victim of the coronavirus. Where polycules once roamed freely without a worry in the world, group sex aficionados are increasingly turning away from having disgusting, depraved sessions of mass intercourse. Despite their once blasé attitudes towards the other risks of f*****g ten people at once, polygamous Americans are citing “health and hygiene concerns” in their departure from their previous lifestyles.

However, to those still nonplussed about the plague sent down from God above to punish us for these very sins, the CDC has issued strict guidelines outlining what is acceptable behavior for polygamous activities. In accordance with other calls for social distancing, the CDC has issued a strict limit of five people for group sex sessions. Some question whether these people should be allowed to continue their lifestyle without interference, but the government has labeled those levying this criticism as freedom-hating communists. As they should.