OP-ED: Ask CHAS to Send You Your Vibrator Already, You Strong, Liberated Woman You

It has been weeks, but the decision still haunts you. You thought to yourself, "I'll only be gone a week. It's just spring break. I can go that long without a vibrator." You were young then. Ignorant. Foolish. Of course, fate took advantage of your stupidity. 

School: canceled. 

You: fucking lonely.

Then, the Sacred Email arrived. "If you feel you have an emergency situation that requires an urgent response, email living@upenn.edu with the following in the subject line: Retrieval followed by the name of the College House in which you are living. In the body of the email, include an explanation of the item you require and the extenuating circumstances." 

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To: living@upenn.edu

Subject: Retrieval Harrison College House

Body: 

To whom it may concern,

For the love of God, please send me my vibrator. The extenuating circumstance is that I'm so fucking lonely. It's in the sock drawer next to a bag of weed, so I'm going to need you to close your eyes when you reach in there. Also, please send the weed. But remember not to look at it. Oh, and send my math notebook from the top bookshelf, I guess. Cause like, I'm still in that class for some reason.

Sincerely, 

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You.

You wrote the email but you never sent it. The shame confined you. You figured you could hold out a little longer. Maybe the country would open soon. You waited. You waited for a sign. This is your sign. Send the damn email. 

This isn't about you. It's about liberated women everywhere. It's about women everywhere who are really fucking lonely. You can do it. We believe in you. Not to mention that you're seriously about to fail math. Get that notebook, girl.