Student Missing After Daring to Use an Umbrella in the Wind Tunnel by the High-Rises

Reports have just come in that Kylee Sulivan W’22 has gone missing because she dared to use an umbrella in the wind tunnel by the high-rises. Needing to decide between getting rained on or blown away, Sulivan took her chances and ended up being much later to class than she had expected.

After several days without hearing from or seeing Sulivan, her “friends” thought something must have happened. “Kylee always gets up to get water in the middle of the night, and I noticed that she hadn’t done that in like a week,” informed Sulivan’s roommate, who apparently hadn’t noticed Sulivan’s absence. 

“Usually, I sit right behind Kylee in Ancient Rome, but I didn’t realize she wasn’t there. It was only when I realized our midterm was coming up and I didn’t have notes that I texted. She never responded,” commented that kid who is always wearing the same red sweatshirt in Ancient Rome.

People noticed Sulivan’s absence a week after her initial disappearance, and immediately the truth behind the mystery was uncovered. Sulivan was found in Rome, Italy and unfortunately is unable to return to Penn because she is under quarantine. Please remember to keep your umbrellas closed when walking through the wind tunnel; it is a matter of public safety.