Student With Therapy Dog Discovers Xanax to Be Much Simpler Solution

College junior Tyler Schmidt and his therapy dog, Barney, were inseparable. Schmidt, who suffers from general anxiety, has relied on Barney for emotional support throughout his three years at Penn. At least he did until he discovered Xanax, the palindromic solution to all his woes and worries.

UTB caught up with Schmidt to see how the big change was treating him. “I’ve never felt better man,” Schmidt smoothly said as he casually lit up a cig inside his mother’s kitchen. “I literally couldn’t think of a worry if I tried. I mean Barney is a good dog, but he could never give me the confidence to go skinny dipping in my neighbor’s pool like I did yesterday.”

Bringing Barney to class was always a pain for Schmidt. While he cherished the company and comfort the dog brought him, classmates would always try to pet him, and Schmidt couldn’t help but feel he was distracting the class. Now that Schmidt is bar’d out, the only petting going on, is Schmidt petting his own arm. Up and down. For hours.

When asked what the main draws of replacing his therapy dog with Xanax were, Schmidt specifically noted how, “Xanax doesn’t shit on your carpet or need to be walked.”