Careful: Penn Mobile to Administer 20,000 Volts to Prefrontal Cortex for Thinking About Going off Meal Plan
Photo (with edits) by GoodFreePhotos / CC0 and Clker-Free-Vector-Images / CC0
May 14, 2020 at 12:00 am
Watch out! Simply thinking about going off a dining plan is now enough to trigger Penn Mobile’s new defense mechanism: a powerful electric shock straight to your forehead region.
The latest update for the app introduced new mind-reading technology that allows the app to sense users’ inner thoughts and desires and act with an appropriate amount of force. Since its implementation, there has been polarizing discussion among students concerning the new update.
“Are you kidding me? This is an affront to human decency,” Tracy Madsen (C ‘23) complained.
The app does not discriminate when it comes to punishing students for thoughtcrime. In fact, students have reported getting zapped for mentally losing focus of the 1920 Commons salad bar and the LCH daily special for just a few seconds.
“So I was on Penn Mobile to check my laundry, and I was thinking about the Qdoba taco bowl I was gonna get for lunch, and then — BAM.” Wendy Nawrocki (W ‘22) recounted. “I’m not sure what happened next, but what I do know is that I could definitely go for some Hill hamburgers right about now.”
The update is part of an ongoing University initiative to prevent students from figuring out just how much of a rip-off dining plan at Penn is. At this rate, who knows what the future will hold?
“We are very pleased with how the “electroshock” update for Penn Mobile turned out,” Provost Wendell Pritchett said in a statement. “Next up, GPS tracking!”