Student Builds Medieval Battering Ram to Get His Stuff Back From Penn Housing

After two months of nonstop phone tag with Penn Residential Services, history major Jacob Henderson (C’23) has had enough. “I mean, it’s summertime and all of my Hawaiian shirts are still in the quad. This is ridiculous!” Henderson commented. “I hate to say it, but I’m starting to think they might just be ignoring me.” 

After this realization, Henderson decided it was time to put his major to good use and go medieval on Penn’s ass. “Ha! Those Whartonites can’t say I have a useless major now!” he jested.

Despite having no knowledge of engineering, Henderson has begun the construction of a 1400s-style battering ram, which he plans to use to lay siege upon the upper quad gate in order to reclaim his possessions.

Unfortunately, the process has proven to be harder than initially expected. Henderson is currently being sued by the Homeowners Association for property damage after a tree that he had cut down to use as the main shaft of the ram, fell onto his neighbor’s house, causing the ceiling to cave in. 

 “Wow, this sure is a lot of work. How did those ye olde blacksmiths ever get anything done?” Henderson recently stated. “Ah, screw it. I think I’ll just drive my mom’s Sienna through the gate instead!”