Student Found Hiding out in Gregory College House!

When Penn Security, suited up in full-body hazmat suits, went to retrieve Amanda Jennings' (C' 23) essential items from her room, they were alarmed to hear music coming from a room down the hall. The 4th floor of Gregory College House, which is basically deserted even when school is in session, was supposed to have been evacuated months ago due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

The team took it upon themselves to investigate and upon opening the door with the master key, they found Ian Evans (W’ 23) still living in his room. He looked a little worse for wear, and apologized for his appearance, sheepishly explaining that he “wasn’t expecting visitors.” The security team, unsure how to handle the situation, attempted to call security, to no avail.

They began to question Evans, who as it turns out, lives only two miles away from campus. They wanted to know how he had gotten into the locked building. Evans replied simply, “I never left.” Looking around the room, which was surprisingly orderly, they asked Evans how he had been getting food and other living essentials. He responded, “I don’t go out much, I mean there is a pandemic on, but when I really have to go to the grocery store, I use the trash chute as my primary means of entering and exiting. I only wish that Fro Gro was still open, it would really make my life easier.”

Baffled, the security team asked why his parents hadn’t come looking for him. “I told them class was still in session. I’m planning to go home this week. Can I just stay to finish my finals?” Unfortunately, Evans was removed from the premise and will not be returning to Penn on-campus housing in the future. 

The Head of Penn Security, Louis Petrecco, commented, “We have never seen such a breach of security in our history. We guarantee that it will not happen again.” When asked to comment, Evans stated, “I don’t regret what I did, and I’ll do it again.” Future Gregory residents, please keep an eye out for Penn’s hide-and-seek champion next year and contact UTB if there is news of any other Evans heists.