Gutmann Hides 10 Golden Tickets in Penn Sweatshirts to Determine Lucky Few Getting Housing

Penn's recently announced that no one will have a roommate come fall, a plan that has left many students concerned about their housing for next year. Fortunately, Gutmann has created a special contest to guarantee housing to 10 special students. "I've hidden golden tickets in the front pocket of 10 Penn sweatshirts in the school bookstore. The students who find the golden tickets will have secure student housing, so go nuts and buy from the Penn bookstore!" wrote Gutmann in an email to the student body.

Math major James Moon is attempting to run calculations to predict the likelihood of getting a ticket in a single purchase. "It's not high, I'll tell you that. Gutmann has set up an ingenious plan. With sweatshirt prices nearing $100 a pop, the university must be making millions!" he reported. "As to my own participation in the contest, I just can't justify it. The chances are too low and it simply costs too much money. I would never take part." Moon has bought 10 sweatshirts so far. 

Senior Caroline Stone complained, "Beyond the price, the sweatshirts aren't even fashionable! I've spent so much money on something I'm never going to wear. If the fear of being homeless come fall weren't such a good motivator, I would never have participated in this stupid contest in the first place. The one bit of good news is that so far nobody has found a ticket yet, so I guess I still have the best chance possible."   

Since the contest was announced, bookstore sales have gone through the roof. The most popular item? Sweatshirts. "I've bought 15 Penn sweatshirts so far, but I still haven't found a golden ticket," explained stressed junior Andre Jones. "At this point, I'll be wearing Penn sweatshirts almost exclusively well into my 30s."

Gutmann is thrilled by the sudden increase in bookstore sales. "With the way people have been buying up Penn sweatshirts, my salary might finally get to round up to 4 million dollars a year. Who knows what people will do to ensure that they have a roof over their heads in the fall. This has worked so well, we are already planning next year's sale. It will run pretty much the same, but we are going to up the price of sweatshirts and reduce the number of tickets to five" explained Gutmann, eyes flashing manically and letting out a small chuckle.